Female Comebacks

Man: Haven't I seen you some place before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

One Liner

He/she who laughs last...

...thinks slowest.

Atheist in the Woods

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! "What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!" Time stopped...the bear froze...the forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The Atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

One Liner

A day without sunshine is like

... a night.

Cute

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never say its not quite as good as his mothers

...then buy a dog.

An Elegant Hunter

The slender, serval cat is a nocturnal hunter of the African forests and savannahs. With its long legs and athletic build it can catch the swiftest prey, and will even snatch birds out of the air by leaping up at them as they fly fast. A good swimmer, it favours riverside habitats with dense vegetation, where its spotted coat blends into the light-dappled background.

Although it is an efficient climber, the serval usually hunts at ground level. Its long legs enable it to run very quickly, fast enough to catch young antelopes, although it usually concentrates on smaller prey, seeking out hares, rodents and birds such as guinea-fowl.

. Servals are widespread south of the Sahara, and are found in both savannah and forested areas.

Dolphins and Porpoises

Which Is Which?

Both dolphins and porpoises belong to the whale order, but dolphins are generally larger than porpoises. They are mammals, not fish. Dolphins have long beaklike snouts; porpoises have blunt snouts. Dolphins are probably the most playful group of whales.

Dolphins


Porpoises

Camels Don't Store Water In Their Humps

Camel's humps are made of fat. They can travel for long periods in the desert without food because their bodies use the fat in the humps as nourishment. However, camels are able to drink great amounts of water, which is stored in their stomachs.

The Bactrian, or two-humped, camel has shorter legs than the dromedary and is not able to move as swiftly at its fastest face. A few wild bands still roam the Gobi desert.

The dromedary or Arabian camel, one-humped camel, can be trained to carry heavy loads on long journeys. Adapted to life in the desert, the camel has horny pads on the knees, thigh joints, and the chest- the areas on which it rests- and long eyelashes, hair-covered ear openings, and slitlike nostrils for protection from sand and wind.

You Have the Right to Remain Silent...

Mercedes-climbing goat, dog picked up by cops
Police arrest goat; dog wanted to go along for the ride

Associated Press
Monday, July 7, 2008

CAPSHAW, Ala. - The goat was arrested, the Mercedes-Benz was assaulted and the dog came along for the ride.

It happened Sunday when a woman driving the Mercedes saw a goat and dog playing on U.S. 72 in northern Alabama, Sheriff Mike Blakely said.

She stopped, afraid they would get hit, Blakely said. But the goat jumped on the car and wouldn't come down. Fearing scratches and dents in her import's paint job, she called the Limestone County Sheriff's Department. A deputy got the goat down and put it in his patrol car, but then the dog jumped into his back seat too.

The deputy took the dog to a veterinarian and the goat to the home of another deputy.

"If anybody is missing a goat and dog, they need to let us know," Blakely said.

Link: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25576560/&GT1=43001

Bats Are Not Blind

Are bats really blind?



Most people think bats are blind, perhaps because many fly at night. All bats, whether they fly during the the night or day, have excellent eyesight.

How do night-flying bats find their way in the dark. They send out high-pitched cries which echo off objects (echo location). The sooner the echo returns to the bat, the closer the object is to the bat. In this way, the bat knows how to avoid crashing into things.

Wait, Are Tomatoes Still Tainted?

What is Safe to Eat: Are Tomatoes Still Tainted?
By Jo Anne WayJul 4, 2008




What is safe to eat for your for your Fourth of July picnic or Independence Day Bar-B-Que? Are Tomatoes Still Tainted? The reports from the CDC recently have suggested that it is unclear what is causing the problems (is it tomatoes) with an outbreak of infections caused by Salmonella Saintpaul. The investigation is dragging and now health officials are looking at other causes for the outbreak other than the tainted tomatoes.

Read full report here